A Southern Californian's Guide to Driving in Portland, Oregon

For the last week and a half I have been struck by funny things to say about Portland drivers while on my way to work. Unfortunately, I didn't write them down, but as I am currently finding myself unable to write an exam review, unable to make myself do the dishes, and without a means by which to make this pear butter, I am going to attempt to write down some important facts to be aware of when visiting or moving to Portland. Some points are not exclusive to Southern California transplants, and some are not exclusive to just Portland but apply to other parts of Oregon as well.

Be warned that what follows, while potentially funny, is sarcastic and potentially a touch bitter. If you don't like negative humor, you won't enjoy this.



A Southern Californian's Guide to Driving in Portland, Oregon


The most important thing to know is that there isn't an individual born and raised in this city that has ever been in a hurry. Some will claim to rush and some will claim to care about the amount of time spent on the road (or in line at any store), but none truly understand what moving quickly really means, why its done, or how to accomplish it. In Southern California, speed limits are primarily for show. My average speed while a California driver was 75 to 80 (on some freeways this WAS the speed limit in which case I drove 90). There isn't a true Portland resident that has been in a vehicle moving faster than 70mph and when you do drive a vehicle this quickly with one in the car the result will either be one of exhilaration as if you were both on an extreme thrill ride at an amusement park or one of sheer horror. The average speed on the highway is between 50 and 55 mph, even on I-5, and it isn't uncommon to find someone moving at a slower pace than this. I often wonder if some residents haven't been clearly educated as to how the accelerator works in their vehicle.

This slowness includes speeds on the on-ramp of a highway. I was once stuck behind an individual entering the freeway at 35mph. This was somewhat atypical, but it isn't uncommon to enter at 40 or 45. For this reason, I am convinced that the other drivers on the road have no sense of timing to allow for merging traffic. If you are not moving at a near glacial speed, other drivers misjudge your entrance and force you to break (hard) in order to merge with the rest of traffic. It doesn't help that the lane provided for the purpose of allowing merging is unfathomably short at most on-ramps. It also doesn't help that trucks with THREE trailers are allowed on the highways here. I'm being completely serious when I say that you really must be extremely careful when getting on the freeway while a large truck is in the lane you wish to merge into. If they don't allow you time to merge in front of them and you don't slow down significantly, you will end up squished into the concrete barrier.

Another unfathomably short thing in the Portland driving world are yellow lights. Do not push a yellow light if you are more than 50 feet from the intersection. In Southern California, they have programmed the lights to allow for the typical speeding driver pushing the yellows. That is the majority of Southern California citizens. Here, however, you watch the walk signs for pedestrians more than you watch the lights (or at least the ex -Southern Californian looking to plan their most effective assault on the motoring world does). Most walk signals for pedestrians have a count down, and this is often a count down to the yellow. If you have decent vision, are driving the speed limit (generally 35mph), and can just begin to read the sign when its gotten down to 5 (maybe 4) then you won't make the light and its best to just take your foot off the gas at that point. If you can read the sign at 7, speed up, this is your cue to prepare to push the yellow. There is a grey area between 5 and 7 that is questionable and depends on the rest of your surroundings and the less aggressive drivers on the road.

Speaking of aggression, the next big issue is right of way. If I was concerned about education of the function of the gas pedal, I am catastrophically paranoid about what the driver education courses are teaching Portland teenagers about right of way. It is not uncommon for the Portland driver to be passive to the point of incompetence. As a result, you'll get honked at more than you have in any other city, but not because the other driver is angry. The other driver is simply concerned for you, themselves, or some other motorist. Until you become accustomed to the lack of speed and short lights, be aware that you will be honked at consistently and feel ashamed of yourself as a driver for no legitimate reason (especially if you learned to drive in LA county and managed to get honked at less than a handful of times in your entire driving history there).

Stop signs and unmarked intersections are by far the worst expression of this fault, however. Feel free to roll through stop signs (bearing in mind that honking that will ensue). The other drivers on the road will willingly give you the right of way because they don't understand how stop signs work and have been known to wave you through when they clearly got there first. If you do plan to make a full stop, as the rest of the residents do,  and get to an intersection at nearly the same time as another motorist, feel free to take the right of way, the other motorist generally won't.

Despite my last two paragraphs, occasionally you will come across the insistent Portland driver. This driver will act as if they are oblivious to your existence. If you attempt to be aggressive against these drivers the only skill you have on your side is the ability to effectively use the pedals. You'll have two options: slam your foot on the accelerator or slam your foot on the brake pedal. There is no gentle solution. You'll come to these impasses primarily on the on-ramp of the freeway, as mentioned, but will occasionally find that a Portlander will misjudge your speed (because you are driving at a pace that normal humans move at) and change lanes in front of you.

Discussing lanes take us back to the highway.

Portlanders were never taught about the concept of a "fast lane". I-5 is the (almost) exception. Because I-5 is a main artery for drivers that live in cities other than Portland, the person you generally find in the left most lane is moving at least the speed limit if not faster and is almost always moving more quickly than the rest of traffic. If you happen to risk a venture on any other highway that is frequented almost exclusively by the Portland born drivers, all sense of order is lost. All lanes move at almost identical speeds at the best of times, and the fast lane is frequented by the same type of automotively challenged folks as the resident that entered the freeway traveling 35mph.

Then, of course, there is traffic. Traffic does exist in Portland, though not in any form remotely like Southern California. In addition, the traffic is usually without cause. Because changing lanes is so challenging for most residents, slow traffic will result during most hours of the day at any interchange. Curves in the road will also befuddle drivers that have not experienced high speeds as any force caused laterally by a curve is terrifying. This will cause traffic to slow as well. To their defense, some of the curves on the highways here have been designed poorly. One wonders if this was done out of general carelessness or a carelessness derived from a misunderstanding of automotive physics.

If you think that these challenges seem unreasonable, the challenges caused by weather for Portlanders are infuriating. You would think that a Portlander that encounters rain most months of the year would understand how to drive in it. The treacherous road conditions caused by rain in Southern California don't exist here because the stretches between rain storms is only ever a month at most in this city. Despite this, I believe that Portlanders all think that the road gets more slippery when it hasn't rained for two days. Its as if all knowledge of driving in rain vanishes at this point and the above points of idiocy that I've outlined double in severity. If more time than a week has passed, you may consider avoiding the roads altogether. This odd inability with weather also occurs if it becomes sunny, considerably colder, considerably warmer, or... basically all extreme weather change will cause chaos.



This concludes my guide to driving in Portland for the Southern California driver. I have discussed these points of annoyance with almost every person I've met here. The Oregonians, while they may agree do not comprehend my outrage. All non-Oregonians have exchanged equally sarcastic and outraged conversations with me. This fills me with reassurance that I'm not just an LA county driving snob. This doesn't mean I'm not devoid of LA county driving snobbery. Before living here I didn't know that Southern Californians are the only ones that use definite articles when talking about their highways in conversation. You'll notice that I said I-5 rather than "the" 5 in my blog post. Chalk that up to being a Portland resident. Sometimes I fear that my driving skills are going the way of Portlanders as well.

No recipes this week, though I did make pickled beets and some other tasty meals. Next weekend I hope to be canning and can share that experience with you. For now my sarcasm will have to be sufficient nourishment. I'm sure it fills your soul with hope.